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Thursday, February 22nd, 2007
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Voice Inside My Head
Dixie Chicks
I was only a kid
When I said goodbye to you
Ten summers ago
But it feels like yesterday
Lost, scared and alone
Nothing I could give to you
I tried, I really did
But I couldn't find another way
And I want and I need
Somehow to believe
In the choice I made
Am I better off this way
I can hear the voice inside my head
Saying you should be with me instead
Every time I'm feeling down, I wonder
What would it be like with you around
So I, I made my way
Cold and roaming in the wild
I'm forever changed
By someone I never knew
Now I've, I've got a place
I've got a husband and a child
But I'll never forget
What I've given up in you
And I want, I need
Somehow to believe
In the choice I made
Am I better off this way
I can hear the voice inside my head
Saying you should be with me instead
Every time I'm feeling down, I wonder
What would it be like with you around
And I want, I need
Somehow to believe
In the choice I made
Am I better off this way
*****************************************
What she said. 100%. =[
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Wednesday, February 14th, 2007
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Wednesday, October 18th, 2006
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I feel yucky. Why do I always update my journal when I feel yucky?
I'm a little over halfway through a course of estrogen pills to end the excessive bleeding I was dealing with. They've worked, in that I'm not bleeding. But I'm feeling more crappy every day and I can't help but blame the pills. Yesterday was the worst so far... I had a headache and was nauseous and it was just a mess. Today I felt good until about 3pm... and it has all been downhill. Crappy crap crap. I'm having all the common side effects of estrogen supplements, too (look them up if you care). And watch (figuratively please), as soon as I stop taking these I'll start bleeding again.
I just drank 20 ounces of diet pepsi and that should get me through tonight in terms of energy. It also made my stomach feel better. When I get home, I'm going to bed, I don't care if it's 8pm. That's all there is to it.
Research is moving ahead SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY and I have to do *something* before I meet with Dr. O'Handley at 6pm that I can print out and show her. But I "have decided" (read: am trying to convince myself) that I'm ok with working on my thesis until the end of summer quarter 2007. Only problem I can imagine is defending it, since not all professors are around during the summer. But maybe I don't need to be enrolled at RIT the quarter that I defend it? So I could do it fall quarter 2007? We'll see.
Later everyone.
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Wednesday, October 4th, 2006
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I should really be in bed but I spent so long laying on the couch that I don't feel tired yet. I was feeling awful earlier today... dizzy, weak, not hungry when I should have been... a mess. I'm ok now. I am sore sore sore from working out yesterday... if you haven't lifted weights in 2+ weeks, don't go right back to what you were doing before. Ouch.
If people don't like you, threatening to distance yourself from them is NOT going to make them eagerly apologize and accept you with open arms. It will make them breathe a sigh of relief. Ok? I've seen this a few times lately. For example, if people tend to not invite you to things because they don't like hanging out with you, and then they invite you to something to be nice, and you use some fake crap about "oh, gee, I'm so busy I don't think I can make it!"... they will say "ok, some other time" and be happy about it. They will not, as some might believe, say "oh my goodness but we NEED you there, and in fact I'm not sure why we don't hang out more often, will you be my best friend?" It doesn't just go for hanging out... I just saw *someone* pulling similar crap on instant messenger, but some of you probably have this person on your buddy lists so I don't want to be more explicit than that. =X
Ok, completely unrelated (I promise - if you think one of these applies to you, the other doesn't, lol). This is from the latest Reporter magazine, and it made me laugh. How true is this.
In other news, I'm sick of school, and I'm freaking out about my thesis. Ok, that's not news. I'm not sure how I'm gonna survive this year. I really should have stopped at the B.S. degree for now. Oh well, how was I supposed to know?
Good night!
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Monday, October 2nd, 2006
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What a fun weekend! I went shopping with Amy at Fashion Bug since everything was buy 1, get 1 for $1. Then we went to Choo Choo's and bugged Myke while he was writing his sermon. Saturday Matt worked at the maze, and I did some homework and took a nap before church. After church I went with Amy and Jill up to Matt and Angie's, which ended up being really fun! Got back to Matt's really late. Matt worked on Sunday again, I watched football and did laundry and homework. He got home, we ate dinner and watched the Sunday night game, Chicago vs. Seattle, which was super exciting. Enough so that I stayed awake the whole time, lol. Got up this morning, went home, got ready for school, went to class, and now here I am.
I bought chai tea bags (the Tazo brand, that's the kind they use at Starbucks) at Tops last week, and I'm really enjoying the homemade (read: cheap) chai. Just brew it, add a little bit of skim milk, some Equal, and it's perfect. This morning I forgot to add the sweetener, so I'm drinking unsweetened chai. Oh well. Could be worse.
Tonight is Monday Night Football... none of the guys on my fantasy team are playing tonight, but the team I'm playing against has a couple playing, so I might watch and hope that they do poorly. Or I might watch that Heroes show... it's not my usual type of show, but someone told Matt that it's good. I want to see that Jack Nicholson/Matt Damon/Leonardo DiCaprio movie that's coming out. We saw a preview for it on TV a while back and Matt asked if I wanted to see it, and I said no. About a week later we saw another one, and I said "I bet that movie would be really good!" He thought I was insane, lol. Anyway, now I want to see it, and it might be worth seeing in the theatre, since it looks like there might be some exciting action scenes that would look better on the big screen.
I've got some reading to do before my class at noon... so adios!
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Comments: Read 6 or Add Your Own.
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Sunday, October 1st, 2006
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I did one of these MindMap things a looong time ago (I was in Pittsburgh at the time, so summer of 2005), but apparently they decided I needed a new one.
It is kinda interesting. All my CK friends are on one side. All of the friends who are also Kristen's bridesmaids are at the top. =] And everyone else is just sorta grouped together. Well, I guess 3 of them are all in or from the Rochester area, but so are Shannon and Amy. Hmm.
http://ljmindmap.com/h.aspx?n=mandar_may
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Friday, September 29th, 2006
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Today is weird.
People have been acting funny. There were a million car accidents this morning. And somehow my IMs that I sent to Matt all got lost. Unless I sent them to someone else, which I really hope I didn't! Hmm, not a full moon, that can't be it. Just a weird day.
I've been working on my advertisement critique for my Gender, Science and Technology class. Here's the ad: http://www.wineoffensive.com/images/tabfuel.jpg I'm going to have a lot of trouble stopping myself from rambling on and on for a million pages. I'm particularly proud of my analysis of the word "fabulous" and its connotations in our society. Oh heck, I'll paste that part here. I haven't done any proofreading, so excuse any obvious grammatical errors.
One more subtle use of gender is found in the medium sized text, which says “fuel to be fabulous.” This slogan can be found in almost every Tab Energy ad, and all over their web site (www.tabenergy.com). “Fabulous” is a word that is associated with feminine gender, but interestingly, not with the female sex. In popular culture, it is often associated with feminine, homosexual men. Often the femininity displayed by men seems more powerful than femininity displayed by women, because it has to overcome our default assumptions that a man will be masculine at all times. This means that words like “fabulous” invoke an image of hyper-femininity, which sends the message that this drink is as feminine is an energy drink can be, and will help its drinkers become even more feminine than they already are.
And honestly, any paper that has me going to the Louis Vuitton web site to do research HAS to be more fun than normal homework. =P
And speaking of gender, I'm rather mad at my womanliness right now, specifically my uterus. It is just NOT behaving. I mean, I went on birth control pills yeeeeears ago to stop my periods from coming every 3 weeks, but I never thought that when I went off of the fake hormones, I'd get 3 periods in one month. TMI, I know.
Ok, I should type a little more of my paper before I have to leave work...
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Wednesday, September 20th, 2006
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I didn't like logging into LJ over the summer at work (too many bad stories made me paranoid) and now I just forget about it! But there might be a few of you out there wondering how my life is going.
Fantasy football is going well. I'm 0-2 and in last place, but it's kinda fun and interesting, and I'm enjoying watching football a lot more. I even watch shows about football, and half-time shows and stuff, and don't gag or fall asleep.
My video game time has been limited. I got through most of Warcraft 3 a while back and just never finished it. I log onto World of Warcraft mostly to make mooncloth, check my mail, and sometimes I play my shaman. My prediction for the expansion: Christmas time. I play Kingdom of Loathing on occasion still... I'm trying to get all the food-related trophies.
Work... is work. It's usually relaxing and I get paid to do homework or eat lunch or do things like this. =] I had to put away a ton of heavy boxes last week and my arms were sore for days, but usually I do 5 minutes or less of manual labor for every hour I'm here. There are lots of new workers this year, but it doesn't really affect me since only one person works here at a time, so I don't have to deal with them. This is the best job ever.
I weigh a lot right now. Well, compared to my lowest weight. I'm working on it. I'm finally feeling comfortable with this schedule so I need to focus on exercising every day like I was doing before. Although today I'm probably going to be here at RIT until 9pm or later so I'm skipping it tonight.
And the #1 thing in my life right now.... SCHOOL.
My classes are pretty good. I have Ethics in Bioinformatics which is at 9am but otherwise good and interesting. Bioinformatics Seminar is a lot less interesting, but I can see why it's important. My favorite might be Modeling Population Genetics because it's a challenge but I'm still doing well so it makes me feel smart and capable. I like the idea of Gender, Science, and Technology, and the professor is great, but sometimes the other students are just so annoying. It's been a long time since I took a class with people of all year levels and majors, and I forget that not everyone is as insightful or as capable of staying on topic as graduate science students.
Thesis stuff has me worried, but I need to harness that energy and put it into GETTING STARTED and WRITING MY PROPOSAL. [Totally off-topic, but Dr. Evans has walked past the stockroom 5+ times now in the last 5 minutes. WTF?] I'm meeting with my advisor, Dr. O'Handley, after I get out of work (in 1 hour). [There she goes again, I think that's 6.] I'm determined, maybe a little too determined, to be done at the end of this year.
I was worrying about L.A.G. too... that's "Life After Graduation." Stole that from a law school student. But I talked about it with Matt, and we developed a plan... and this plan includes me not worrying about "the real world" until after I graduate. So after I'm done with school, I'll find a crappy customer service job, or work at Lightnin for another summer, or whatever else falls into my lap... and THEN I'll start looking for a real job or applying to graduate schools. They gave me extra federal school loans this year, so I'll get the money back and that will help with a security deposit for an apartment, job interview clothes, grad school applications, or emergency expenses like car repairs.
My friends are wonderful, of course. Somehow, even with Ashley back to school in Buffalo, we're all hanging out a lot. And I've had a chance to see Kristen, who I never really get to spend time with, because I'm going to be in her wedding in January. Which will also let me see Shannon a bit this year! And I'm surrounded by friends/classmates that I like at school, since I'm in so many bioinformatics classes. I've got my hunting license, which leads to more hanging out with my dad during the fall (yes, he falls in the "friend" category).
I've been going to church on Saturdays at Parma Christian Fellowship. That works well for me. They're having a Honduras dinner on Sunday.. and now I'm thinking about trying to go with the February team. I don't know. I'd like to move to Honduras with Amy after she graduates so that I don't have to deal with "real" (North American) life. But I wouldn't want to go without Matt, and I don't exactly think HE wants to live in Honduras for a year, or even a few months.
I guess that's about it. My current plan is just to get through each day. Because when I plan for more than that, it doesn't work. My immediate plans are to go downstairs and microwave my dinner. Adios.
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Saturday, September 16th, 2006
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| You Are 48% Slacker | 
You are a bit of a slacker - though you can pull it together and live a somewhat normal life.
If you're young, this is probably phase you'll outgrow. And if you're already grown up, you need to get off the couch a bit more! |
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Thursday, August 3rd, 2006
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Fritolaysia Cuts Off Chiplomatic Relations With Snakistan
Now that is funny stuff. =]
Three weeks and one day until I'm done working! I have one day off planned in there, and I'll probably call in sick at some point.
So other than long boring workdays.. I'm doing ok I guess. I've been working out regularly (every day but Saturdays), studying for the GRE a little, and getting plenty of video game time in. I'm still not sleeping much, and feeling kinda crappy because of it, but I'll survive. That's what the weekends are for. =]
I'll have more to write later today... just need to do some math. You'll see.
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It's been a pretty awful week for the most part. =/
Monday I wasn't feeling great at work. I took a nap after work and made it through my meeting at RIT and the rest of the evening. I thought I had a cold or something, but now I'm realizing it was probably just all of the mosquito bites. I tend to get "poisoned" by mosquito "venom" once I get more than 15 or so bites, and I feel like I have the flu or something.
Tuesday was supposed to be dinner with Matt and my dad, but there was a misunderstanding between me and Matt and he had video game plans so it was just me and my dad. Which was nice enough, but it meant I hardly spent any time with Matt, and I had to drive to Hilton, then Spencerport, then back to Hilton, then home to Chili. When I got home I was feeling dizzy and light-headed again, so my workout was pathetic and unpleasant.
Wednesday I had dinner with Matt before he went off to Mendal's, and then I went grocery shopping. By the time I got home I only had time to do half my workout before heading over to Mendal's to meet Matt for dessert. Then I get there at 9, and they're still working, they say they'll get back at 9:30. I was pissed enough at that because I could have done my whole workout. Well, at 9:50 they finally get there and I was just exhausted and it was ok I guess but a huge waste of time. Makes me not want to go over there anymore, ever, to be honest.
Thursday, that was yesterday right? =P Woke up to find that one of my insect bites, on my ankle, had gone crazy. It was giant and swollen and so warm I could probably boil water on it. My shoes rubbed against it all day and by the end of the day it was kinda blistered and open. It was just as bad as if I had itched it in my sleep (don't get me started on THAT issue). Later in the evening I was walking on pavement with thin sandals on, and there was pain shooting halfway up my calf. That bite just kept reminding me of all the other itchy, awful-looking bites I had, and making me depressed. Nothing makes me more depressed than bug bites. I'll explain later.
Today, the bite itself has gone down a little, but my whole ankle and part of my calf is slightly swollen and red still. I'm a bit worried, since now a good portion of my calf is very tender and hurts if I press on it. That doesn't sound normal. I really, really hope I don't have to go to the doctor. Or worse, the emergency room. That would be freaking $50 and 4+ hours of time I don't have. I've never spent under 4 hours in the emergency room/waiting room.
Ok, so bites from mosquitoes and such. First of all, and perhaps the most important point, THEY ITCH. And that, in and of itself, sucks. I then end up itching them, often in my sleep, and feel like a failure. Like I suck at life and am a terrible person because I gave in. Then, they look horrible, all red and scabby. And I don't let myself wear shorts or skirts, which sucks this week, because it's freaking hot out there. I'd wear long sleeves if I thought I could survive that. I just can't stand to look that bad in public, not to mention that I feel like everyone who sees them is thinking I must be stupid and disgusting because I itched them. It makes me want to go around telling people, "really I'm not retarded or psychotic, they just itch a lot.. I do good in school and my hygiene is fine, I shower often... really!" They make some of my favorite activities unpleasant, like sleeping and showering (water makes them itch more). I usually get enough of them at some point that I feel ill, and that sucks, too.
I have nothing to do at work today, I'm struggling just to stay awake. Doesn't help that I've been getting under 5 hours of sleep every night. I am just SO glad that it's Friday. So, so glad. I fully intend to sleep for 14+ hours tonight.
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Matt left here (his house) at 8:30am to take Chris to work and talk to the boss about getting a job there, too. It's a moving company, and today Chris had a "cash job" where he was getting paid under the table to help someone. Well, it's 1pm, and Matt is still not here. And hasn't called as far as I know... sure hasn't called my cell phone anyway. I'm assuming he got to go work, too, which is nice and all, but I just need to KNOW, ya know? That little part of me is panicking that he got in an accident or something and is dead and no one knows yet.
I'm also worried about his health... he hasn't eaten anything yet (I've had 4 oreos... 2 for breakfast and 2 for lunch I guess) and he purposely got very little sleep last night so he'd be tired earlier. He wants to get into some sort of normal sleep schedule, instead of sleeping from 4am to noon every day. Lifting heavy things on no food and little sleep doesn't sound terribly safe or pleasant. I, on the other hand, am feeling good about not having to eat today. Not in an ED way or something... it's just so hard to decide what to eat on the weekends. There's nothing here that's good or easy to make, and his mom's kitchen grosses me out anyway.. so we get fast food, which makes me feel guilty.
Well, as much as I'd like to make the most of my time on his computer, I haven't had any caffeine so I'm brain dead and I think I need a nap. Plus, if I'm sleeping, I won't be worrying... right? =/
If anyone hears from Matt or Chris... call my cell phone...
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I've been collecting journal entries and stuff from work, since I don't log on LJ there, so here's a few things:
June 5
Work is good so far. Lots to do... unfortunately I can't do much of it by myself and people keep running off to do other things. So, I'm here e-mailing myself journal entries.
It sounds like I'll be doing a variety of stuff this summer. This week we need to finish (oh, and START) a test so my boss can have the report ready to give the customers next week (in Tokyo or something). But in fact they're coming to visit on Thursday, so we need to have SOME stuff done by then. I'll be in charge of taking the measurements, but we haven't even finished setting it up yet, and I can't do that part myself. The other guy working on this just ran off to work on a different project. They have a million things going on, which is good business-wise, but not so good training-a-new-worker-wise.
That's enough for now... I'll read some papers on the wall about Newton's First Law and Oxygen Transfer and Particle Size Conversion.
June 6
Things are going REALLY well today. I'm very pleased. Our little experiment isn't turning out quite like they thought it would, but that probably just means I'll be working on this stuff until Thursday instead of being done today or tomorrow. The experiment itself is "little" in my mind, but it's part of a $10 million thing, so it's super important anyway. And I'm being very efficient getting it all done, even with the use of burning hot things and electrical things and heavy things and lots of very very dirty things. No being girly this week!
Yesterday I was tired all day because I hadn't slept well. I ended up working 8am-4pm (shh, that's only 7.5 hours but I think they'll count it as 8) then we went grocery shopping and card shopping and ate dinner... and by the time I got home I had the energy for one chapter (is that what they're called?) of Warcraft 3 and then I sat around doing not much of anything. Last night I got over 6 hours of quality sleep, so I think I'll hold up better today. I'm also on my normal 7am-3:30pm hours, so I'll get home a little earlier. Then I have to drive to Hilton. =P
I have nothing to do until the stuff is done running, which will be after lunch. Time to go walk to my desk and sit there making lists or writing letters or something for a while. So that people see me moving from room to room and think I'm working. Less than an hour until lunch!
Funny screenshot
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Wednesday, May 24th, 2006
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Can you tell I don't want to write this biochem final paper?
Anyway... I was reading a paper called "From α-helix to β-sheet – a reversible metal ion induced peptide secondary structure switch" (by the way, can you possible give any more information in the title than that? I hardly had to read the paper!) and it was published in Org. Biomol. Chem. (I hate the abbreviations but I never feel like I'm sure what the whole words are) which is published by "The Royal Society of Chemistry."
Now, when I see "Royal" in a title, it only takes me a few seconds to realize, ok, it's published in Britain most likely (since it's in english). Maybe somewhere else in Europe. But for that first second or two.. I always think they're joking. Being facetious. Tongue-in-cheek. Like, "ooh, look at us, we're ROYAL!"
Does that make me disgustingly American or what? =P
Does that even make sense or am I too tired to write coherently?
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I'm proud of a.. umm... short essay I recently wrote on the weddingchat.com message boards. Plus, I want as many brides and grooms as possible to realize this.
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Original question (seems innocent enough, right?):
For the head table, do most people have just the wedding party, or the wedding party and their dates? If its ok to do either, what would you all say looks better/ most people do?
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My response:
As someone whose FH is constantly in wedding parties ::laughing smiley:: ...
There are weddings I have decided not to go to, because he would be sitting up there and I wouldn't know anyone. It seems sorta sad now (I'd hate for that to happen at my wedding!) but it's the truth.
The fact is, it sucks being the date at some weddings. Sometimes, it doesn't matter if you've been together 5 years, you're just another and guest. Your partner is really focused on their role in the wedding, and they feel that bond that only tuxedos or matching dresses can provide. They're up there, joking about the uncomfortable shoes, laughing about the bachelor(ette) party, and... oh, what's this? The person I love with all my heart wants to talk to me? Sure, ok, one dance, but then I've got to be back in my seat on the platform to watch them cut the cake!
::laughing smiley::
Obviously I'd support the idea of putting the dates at the head table too, or doing the sweetheart table thing if that's something you're considering. I do understand that the head table looks nicer for pictures and such if only the people who are dressed alike get to sit there. If you're doing assigned seating, consider grouping a few of the dates together at a table (with other people they know, of course!), as we can then joke about our status together and that does help us feel a little less left out. If you're not doing assigned seating, and you think there are the dates who don't know many people or you'll have a few and guests who no one really knows, encourage the wedding party to introduce their dates to other dates to get them to mingle.
I'm sorry that was so long, lol... obviously I don't know your situation, but maybe my post/essay/novel ::embarassed smiley:: will help someone else out there who is thinking about what to do.
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By the way... FH stands for "future husband" on those message boards (it's easier to type than "fiance") and if you don't get any of the other wedding references... then you're obviously not in a wedding or planning your own, so don't worry about it.
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Wednesday, May 17th, 2006
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http://www.paulsadowski.com/BirthData.asp
More than you ever need to know about your birthday.
One of the coolest parts:
As of 5/17/2006 6:14:22 PM EDT
You are 21 years old.
You are 258 months old.
You are 1,124 weeks old.
You are 7,867 days old.
You are 188,826 hours old.
You are 11,329,574 minutes old.
You are 679,774,462 seconds old.
Also, I'm "least compatible" with just about everyone I get along with, lol. Including Matt, Amy, and my mom.
Did you know you have a BIRTH TREE? Mine's the Walnut tree.
Unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often egoistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist, very jealous and passionate, no compromises.
Umm, not a lot of that is true. Maybe if they had let me choose when to be born, instead of doing the planned cesarian thing, I would have popped out on a more appropriate day. Because I don't think this one works for me. =P
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Wednesday, May 10th, 2006
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Ok, ok, so it's just random... but the very first one I got is just perfect!
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Someone on CK started a post about a snack they eat, that includes cottage cheese and nutritional yeast. Another member, from the Netherlands, asked about nutritional yeast, and the original poster provided a link to the wikipedia page. I went to the page, never having eaten the stuff myself, and I was going to post in reply but my post was more info than they need. So I'll write about it here.
Turns out "nutritional yeast" is usually Saccharomyces cerevisiae. Which is also one type of "brewer's yeast." Ok, fine. But it's also something that half of the people reading this journal work with in the lab allll the time. And if it's used to make my alcoholic beverage (ya know, hypothetically, if I liked alcohol) or baked up in my bread... that's one thing. But just pouring pure dried yeast cells onto my food? I don't think I can do it. No nutritional yeast for me any time soon.
It's one of those things that, as a scientist, you use so much that it gets categorized under "reagent" instead of "food" in your head. Like agar. *shudder* Actually, after seeing so many cute little cartoons of yeast shmooing *blush* or big momma yeast cells budding with little baby yeasts... they're kinda in the "lab animal" category as well.
Next thing ya know people will be telling me they eat C. elegans or E. coli K12 or... haha the next thing to pop into my head was ethidium bromide. There are a few people I wish would eat some ethidium bromide.
Kidding.
Maybe.
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I'm going to be home all afternoon, so I think I need to set some goals. Here they are:
-Look at/listen to Dr. Craig's online lecture things
-Put away the clean clothes from this weekend
-Exercise (a Firm video probably)
-Shower (I wouldn't skip this one anyway, lol)
-Make myself a good lunch (I'm thinking red lentils, chicken, and some veggie)
-Fill buckets so I can do a water change later, and maybe even scrape some algae
-Pack a dinner to bring to work
I only have 5.5 hours at home between classes and work, but I think I can get a lot of that done.
Wish me luck! =P
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mandar_may's journal